Dads Matter, Right?
By Helen Birch (Harmless Trainer)
My dad matters, my daughter’s dad matters and my son’s dad matters. They matter to me, to my children and to many other people. They matter to society and to the economy. Dads matter to every aspect of life all over the world. Yet when it comes to pregnancy and birth, it often feels as if it is only baby and the birthing person that matter. This seems converse, as without the dad / partner there would not be a pregnancy!
This may seem harsh. However, it is my lived experience that brings me to this conclusion and the fact that years on from my personal journey not a lot has changed within perinatal services. Dads and partners still do not receive the care and support they need, deserve and are entitled to, not just for themselves but for the family unit and the wellbeing of the children. It is not that professionals within services don’t care, it is not that the families don’t care – it is due to a lack of education around dads’ and partners’ mental health within the perinatal period and the lack of funding for specific support.
There are some amazing people trying to make a difference to dads / partners and their mental health, working to ensure access to necessary support from trained professionals and / or peer groups to avoid my own experience from repeating.
When I lost my partner to suicide, I was pregnant at the time. We also had an 11-month-old, and both had children from previous relationships. Additionally, we had also suffered a missed miscarriage before our 11-month-old was born. During this time, no support was offered to my partner, who was told to look after me. Dad did not matter, only mum. Dad just had to be strong and look after the rest of us, shoulder the burden with no support and no acknowledgement of how this may affect him. That just does not sit right with me.
What if there was support for dads / partners nationwide? What if my partner had been offered a chat, given information on how to cope with losing a baby and becoming a dad again – would my journey have been a different one? We will never know, but what I do know is that partners need support and that is why we need dads / partners to matter to services, government and society. Both parents’ mental health matters. Take it from me, when you lose someone you love to suicide, the impact is far-reaching and lasts a lifetime, and also increases your risk of mental ill health and suicide.
Gaining access to services is vital to ensure partners are receiving the correct care at the correct time. If perinatal care is specialised, then so is caring for dads. Services must ensure this is something they can provide in a timely manner – we do not have to lose more dads to suicide.
Attachment and bonding are key to maintaining parental wellbeing and the child’s development. Partners play a pivotal role in this, and no child should have to miss out on the experience due to lack of partners’ support during the perinatal period.
Thankfully, there are plenty of us working and pushing for better services for partners. We are seeing changes that are helping get support to dads before suicide feels like the only option left. Sadly, this can often feel like a postcode lottery in terms of gaining access. We need more. We need UK-wide coverage and access to life-saving support. No child should lose a parent due to lack of support and intervention.
We must do better and we can all play a part in changing this life-and-death lottery. We can champion support for partners. We can ask why there is such a lack of support for partners. We can ask what is being done to remedy this. We can write to our MP.
To conclude, dads and partners really matter. I will do all I can to ensure others do not have to go through what myself and my family have. I will continue working hard to improve the services required. We must support this and speak out. Everyone should have the chance to be a family with good wellbeing and positive mental health support. No bias, no stigma, no shame – because both parents matter, right!
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Helen Birch is a Trainer at Harmless and co-founder of the Paternal Mental Health Alliance.
