Boys Don’t Cry – Rethinking Masculinity and Mental Health

By Tom Coyle (Clinical Support Worker)

Did you know that reserach has found that women cry on average around 5.3 times a month, while men cry an average of around 1.3 times per month (Frey et al., 1983; Bylsma et al., 2019)?

As a boy growing up in England, it’s all too common to be encouraged not to show any emotion or vulnerability. We hear things like ‘man up’, ‘crybaby’ or ‘boys don’t cry’. The reality is that these phrases are harmful and have created a longstanding societal expectation: that masculinity must be synonymous with emotional repression.

We see this throughout our lives. In school, many boys who cry or show vulnerability experience bullying or even physical abuse from their peers. On TV, male characters often go through upsetting or frightening events without shedding a tear — they just carry on as if nothing happened. On social media, some male influencers promote the idea that masculinity means being emotionally stoic, and that repressing feelings is somehow the path to success. Even in conversations with male family, friends, or colleagues, there can be a hesitation to lower our guard and ask, ‘How are you really doing, mate?’

Yet, throughout our lives, men face a wide range of challenges: work stress, relationship issues, financial worries, grief and loss, anger and frustration, health problems, isolation, substance misuse, gambling issues, and so much more. These struggles inevitably impact our mental health. Unfortunately, because of the stigma surrounding emotional expression, men are less likely to access psychological therapies than women — with only 36% of referrals to NHS Talking Therapies identifying as male. Tragically, three times as many men die by suicide compared to women (Mental Health Foundation, 2021).

If you are a man and find emotional expression difficult, that’s okay. There are key ways we can start to change the conversation around men’s mental health:

• Remember that being vulnerable and open about your emotions is a sign of strength, not weakness.
• Be open with other men, so we can feel safe discussing what’s really going on and how we’re feeling.
• Crying is a healthy way to express and release the emotions you’re carrying.
• Talking to someone about how you’re feeling is an act of bravery and can help you process difficult emotions.
• If you need professional help, support is available.

At Harmless and The Tomorrow Project, we are committed to ensuring that all men have a place where they can seek support when they need it. Whether it’s practical help to tackle some of life’s challenges or simply providing a compassionate, non-judgmental space to talk, we want to create an environment where no man feels ashamed for the way they’re feeling — whether that’s experiencing suicidal thoughts, bereavement by suicide, or struggles with self-harm. We are here for you.

If you would like to make a referral for support with any of the issues mentioned, you can do so here. You can make a referral for yourself, someone you know, or if you are a professional on behalf of a client or patient. If you’d prefer to ask questions or talk things through, you can call us on 0115 880 0280 or email info@harmless.org.uk

Finally, one important thing to remember: Boys do cry — and that’s okay.