By Caroline Harroe (Harmless CEO)
Dear Friend / Family Member,
The Christmas season, with its twinkling lights and festive expectations, can sometimes cast long, lonely shadows. If you are reading this, chances are you are worried about someone you care about – perhaps you’ve noticed they’re quieter, more withdrawn, or just ‘not themselves’.
It can be terrifying to think your loved one is struggling, especially with thoughts of self harm or suicide. You might feel frozen, unsure if you should say anything at all. Let me tell you: Your care matters. Your connection is a powerful intervention.
Here is a simple, heart-centered guide on how to approach them, how to listen, and how to truly be there, not just over Christmas, but every day.
Step 1: Just Ask. Open the Door.
The biggest mistake we make is waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect phrase. There isn’t one. The most important thing is to create a safe space by initiating the conversation, calmly and directly.
• Start with what you’ve observed (not what you assume): ‘I’ve noticed you seem really tired lately. I just wanted to check in because I care about you’.
• Use the words: If you are truly concerned about self harm or suicide, it is okay – in fact, it is necessary – to use the words. You will not put the idea in their head. You will show them they can be honest with you.
- Try this: ‘I know things are really tough right now. Are you having thoughts about harming yourself or ending your life?’
Step 2: Listen to Understand, Not to Fix (Validation is Key)
Once they start talking, your job is simple: listen. Your loved one doesn’t need you to solve their problems; they need to feel seen and validated.
• Silence is powerful: Resist the urge to interrupt, offer quick advice, or share a story about ‘that time I felt down’. Just let them speak and own their experience.
• Acknowledge their pain (validate!): Validation is the act of recognising that their feelings are real, true, and make sense, even if you don’t personally understand them.
- Try this: ‘It sounds like you are carrying an incredible weight right now. It makes complete sense that you would feel overwhelmed’.
- Try this: ‘Thank you for sharing that with me. I can hear how much pain you’re in, and I’m sorry you’re going through this’.
Step 3: Avoid These Common Traps
When we panic, we often say things that, while well-intentioned, can shut down the conversation:
🚫 ‘You have so much to live for’. (This minimises their current pain.)
🚫 ‘You just need to think positively’. (This suggests their feelings are a choice.)
🚫 ‘But what about the kids / Christmas / your job?’ (This piles on guilt instead of offering comfort.) Instead, focus on the immediate, shared reality: ‘I am here with you right now’.
Step 4: Include Them in the Plan (Don’t Take Over)
The goal is to empower them by making them an active participant in their own safety and support plan.
• Ask what they need: ‘What is the one thing I can do right now that would be most helpful? (It might just be watching a movie or sitting in silence).
• Focus on the next steps: If they need professional help, ask, ‘Can we look at a helpline number together?’ or ‘Would you be okay with me calling your GP to get the first appointment set up?’
• Talk about safety: If they are in immediate danger, stay with them and help them remove any means of self harm, then immediately seek emergency help (call 999 or go to A&E).
The Gift You Can Give
This Christmas, the best gift you can give is your unconditional presence. Supporting someone who is struggling is hard work, but by asking, listening and validating their experience, you can help them hold on until they can find professional help and until the lightness returns.
Remember: You don’t have to carry their burden, but you can walk alongside them. If you or your loved one needs support right now, please reach out.
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Harmless and The Tomorrow Project are running reduced services over the Christmas period until Monday 5th January. If you need support in the meantime, you can find contact details for other organisations here.
