Living Loss

By Vicky Lott (Training & Education Officer)

With Christmas fast approaching, our thoughts turn to family and friends both past or present… but what if that family is both past and present? They’re still out there somewhere but – for whatever reason – they’ve decided to go ‘no contact’ with you and you’re facing the holiday season hoping this could be the year they finally get in touch.

This is the situation facing me and a growing number of parents as their adult children have made the decision to remove themselves from one or both parents. There may be understandable reasons for this but in a growing trend across the western world, many parents just don’t understand where it all went wrong and face a brick wall when trying to get answers. Sometimes this can come about because the adult child is undergoing therapy or following mental health influencers who are advising to go ‘no contact’ from relationships that no longer serve them. For parents facing this exclusion, the effects are often brutal and devastating.

The immediate thought for most people (including myself before it happened to me) was that the parent must have done something dreadful to bring about the situation, but in a growing movement this often isn’t the case. As parents, we are handed our beautiful babies without a rule book or plan of how to move forward. It stands to reason that life happens along the way and mistakes are made. After all, we’re all human and face challenges as we navigate life, parenthood and relationships with all their intricacies. It’s a tough job – perhaps the toughest there is – but it’s one most of us take on with love in our hearts and the sheer determination to do our best.

What if that best just isn’t good enough and our love is turned against us? The grief, shame, guilt, confusion and rejection are all real. In these cases, what do we do and where do we go? Personally, I tried to access grief counselling but was rejected because ‘no one has died’. It felt that way to me though and I knew 12 sessions of CBT Therapy was never going to help me fill the void that stretched ahead. I was grieving someone that still lived and breathed, someone I loved with all my heart, but also someone that had cut me from their life. I am navigating life in complicated grief, knowing the stigma I face if I talk about my shame. But I also know I’m not alone. Every day I hear of more parents just like me who have lost a child this way. I’m very lucky that my youngest child is my best friend and she doesn’t understand the situation either; she has lost her older sibling too and is upset and angry. We have each other though, and for that I’m eternally grateful.

This phenomenon is also being experienced by others and recognised by a few psychologists and psychotherapists. I, and many others, can feel less alone and isolated as we seek support and explanations. The American psychologist, Dr Joshua Coleman has written a very enlightening and thought-provoking book called Rules of Estrangement where he explores the situation from both sides, giving insight and suggestions for possible reconciliation. He also has a presence on Instagram here. Rachel Hack is another psychologist offering support and insight here. Other social media platforms also offer forums and friendship groups, but please ensure they’re private or closed groups before joining.

Everyone has their own truth. I understand my older child has theirs and I have mine. My love hasn’t diminished but I have for now; I’m no longer the person I once was. No longer the proud parent of two beautiful children but one hiding in the shadows afraid to mention both in case someone asks me how they are and I can’t answer.

However, what I do have is hope. Hope for reconciliation and the future. I’m learning to live a life alongside my grief in the hope that one day we will both have learned from our experience and we can find a way forward together in a way that works for us both. I’m learning that we navigate and experience life in very different ways and what I may have thought was loving and supportive could have been perceived differently. I’m learning to accept that even the certainties in life can unravel and feel precarious, but with hope for change we can broaden our perspectives, our insight and our understanding of each other.

For anyone experiencing this living loss at Christmas, please know that you’re not alone and that there is help and hope out there. In an emergency or if you just need someone to talk to free of judgement, you can call The Samaritans on 116 123 at any time of the day or night.