By Caroline Harroe (Harmless CEO)
The predictable chorus is depressingly familiar: ‘Why didn’t she speak up?’ ‘Why does she want attention?’ ‘What was she doing there?’ ‘Why didn’t she just leave?’
Whenever conversations about sexual violence enter the public domain, we see the same damaging attitudes emerge. Rather than focusing on the experiences of those affected, attention frequently shifts towards questioning, scrutinising and judging them. It exposes an uncomfortable reality: society’s instinct is too often to examine the behaviour of survivors rather than challenge the attitudes and inequalities that allow sexual violence to persist.
As women who have navigated this world, survived trauma and witnessed how ruthlessly survivors can be treated, this is more than frustrating. It is devastating. Our culture continues to place the burden of shame and responsibility on those who experience abuse, rather than challenging the conditions that enable it.
The Red Flags We Conveniently Ignore
We live in a culture that too readily excuses harmful behaviour when it comes from someone charismatic, popular or influential. Attitudes towards women can be dismissed as humour, bravado or simply part of someone’s personality. Behaviour that would otherwise raise questions becomes normalised, particularly when accompanied by fame, wealth or social standing.
We need to challenge the idea that popularity or public image somehow makes harmful behaviour less worthy of scrutiny. This should never be about assuming guilt or judging individual circumstances. It is about recognising that power, status and influence must not place anyone beyond accountability.
Too often, however, the focus returns to those who experience harm, with the same impossible demand: Prove what happened, prove you’re credible and prove you didn’t somehow invite it.
The Reality of Trauma: Why ‘Why Didn’t She Speak Up?’ Is the Wrong Question
One of the most persistent and damaging forms of victim-blaming is the expectation that survivors should immediately report what has happened to them. Anyone asking these questions needs to understand trauma, power dynamics and the complexity of sexual violence.
Reporting an experience of sexual assault is not a simple administrative task. Trauma can bring debilitating anxiety, depression, dissociation and shame. Survivors are often fighting simply to function day to day, maintain relationships and make sense of what has happened.
Fear of not being believed, of being blamed, of losing relationships or livelihoods, and of facing further psychological harm can make speaking out feel impossible. For some, finding the courage to talk about their experiences takes months or years. For others, it may never feel safe enough. There is no timetable for trauma, and no single way to respond to abuse.
We must stop interpreting silence as consent, delay as dishonesty or a decision not to report as evidence that something did not happen. Sometimes speaking out is possible only when a person finally feels safe enough to do so. That is not weakness. It is survival.
A Justice System That Too Often Fails Survivors
We are frequently told to trust the justice system, but this overlooks the longstanding barriers people face when seeking support and justice following sexual violence. Lengthy investigations, the low proportion of reported cases that result in prosecution or conviction, and the experience of navigating the criminal justice process have all contributed to a profound lack of confidence.
For many survivors, the process itself can become a source of further trauma:
- Personal devices and private communications being examined.
- Character, sexual history and mental health becoming sources of scrutiny.
- Lengthy delays that can leave survivors feeling unable to move forward.
- The prospect of having deeply personal experiences examined in public.
Everyone deserves fairness and dignity within the justice system. But we must also recognise the enormous emotional and practical barriers survivors face when trying to access it. Nobody should be judged for choosing how, when or whether to seek justice.
The Collective Toll: The Hidden Impact of Victim-Blaming
The impact of society’s attitudes towards sexual violence extends far beyond those directly affected. Every time survivors encounter disbelief, misogynistic commentary or accusations of attention-seeking, others who have experienced abuse are watching. They hear the message loud and clear: If this is how people respond when someone speaks out, what hope is there for me? This creates collective harm. It triggers old wounds, reinforces shame and strengthens the belief that silence is the safest option.
Organisations such as Fearless, Rape Crisis and frontline support services do indispensable, life-saving work, offering refuge, understanding and validation.
But support charities cannot fix a culture that repeatedly questions survivors rather than examining its own attitudes and behaviours.
Reframing the Discourse
We must challenge the harmful assumptions that continue to shape conversations about sexual violence:
- Stop asking ‘Why didn’t she speak up?’ and start asking ‘What makes it so difficult for survivors to feel safe enough to speak?’
- Stop judging people by how they respond to trauma. There is no single correct response to abuse.
- Stop excusing harmful attitudes and behaviour because someone is charismatic, popular or influential.
- Recognise that supporting survivors, respecting individual rights and treating everyone fairly are not mutually exclusive.
Until we confront the attitudes that routinely place reputation above women’s safety and bodily autonomy, nothing will fundamentally change.
The courage required for survivors to speak about their experiences is extraordinary. It is time society matched that courage with the decency to listen without judgement, offer support and ensure nobody feels that speaking out will cost them their dignity, safety or right to be heard.
Because the question should not simply be why survivors find it difficult to speak. We must ask why society continues to make it so difficult for them to do so.
