By Caroline Harroe (Harmless CEO)
There is a particular kind of gravity that settles in when a certain date approaches on the calendar. For many of us, the passage of time isn’t a straight line leading away from the past; it is a circle. Each year, we find ourselves returning to the same coordinates of a memory – some marked by the sharp sting of a sudden ending, others by the slow erosion of safety.
At Harmless, we work daily with individuals for whom the diary is not just a tool for scheduling, but a map of emotional landmines. Whether it is the anniversary of a bereavement by suicide – a ‘death anniversary’ that stands as a lifelong monument to a tragic ‘before and after – or a date that once held historical joy but has since been curdled by trauma, these milestones are deeply significant.
The Visceral Memory
For those living with trauma histories, an anniversary is rarely just a mental recollection. It is a visceral experience.
The body often remembers what the mind tries to suppress. You might find yourself feeling inexplicably irritable, exhausted, or ‘on edge’ days before you even realise the date is approaching. This ‘anniversary reaction’ can trigger an onslaught of symptoms:
● Flashbacks or intrusive thoughts.
● Physical heaviness or unexplained pain.
● A profound sense of loneliness, even in a crowd.
● A ‘re-living’ of the event as if the clock has been wound back.
These reactions aren’t ‘weakness’ or a sign that you aren’t ‘over it’. They are a testament to the magnitude of what you survived. They are your nervous system’s way of acknowledging a wound that changed your landscape.
From Resistance to Recognition
The instinct when a painful date nears is often to fight it. We try to stay busy, to ‘power through’, or to distract ourselves into numbness. But there is a quiet, transformative power in paying attention. When we fight the reaction, we create internal friction that only adds to the exhaustion. If we instead stop and say, ‘I feel this way because this date matters’, we shift from being a victim of the calendar to an observer of our own healing.
The Art of Reclamation
Reclamation doesn’t mean the pain goes away; it means the date no longer only belongs to the trauma. It is about finding comfort through intentionality.
Honouring the Reaction
If your body needs to sleep for twelve hours, let it. If you need to cry or be silent, let that be your ‘tribute’ to the experience.
Creating New Rituals
For those grieving a suicide, the anniversary is often heavy with the ‘why’. Reclaiming that day might involve visiting a place that brought that person peace, or simply lighting a candle to acknowledge the love that remains alongside the tragedy.
Gentle Response
Instead of judging the ‘onslaught of thoughts’, respond to them like a supportive friend. ‘Of course I’m struggling today. This happened, and it was hard, and I am safe now’.
Finding the Beauty in the ‘Everydayness’
There is a unique depth to the human experience when we stop viewing our triggers as enemies and start viewing them as echoes. Anniversaries remind us of our capacity to endure.
By recognising the significance of these dates, we allow ourselves the space to breathe through them. We move away from the ‘cliché’ of ‘moving on’ and instead move forward with our history, finding beauty in the fact that we are still here, still feeling and still capable of reclaiming our time.
If you are approaching a difficult date, remember: you don’t have to fight the waves. You just have to learn how to float until the tide turns.
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