My life before seemed hopeless. I was self harming and frequently suicidal. Harmless is special because I’ve had counselling and therapy in the past and I’ve never felt so listened to. I don’t know where I’d be without Harmless
You can make a referral into the service click here
Alternatively, please get in touch using the details below.
Email: info@harmless.org.uk
Tel: 0115 880 0280
The Top Ten of Helping
1. Don’t Assume
‘I want people to listen to me. Sometimes I feel as though they think that they know and understand my problems better than I do because they are the professional, but they don’t, not always. So I want to be asked. I want people to ask me what it is like from my point of view, and for me to use my own words to describe what’s happening in my life’.
Self harm can be different things to different people and at different times. It is important to remember that what one person feels is different to another, and what one person does to themselves to cope, is different to another. Don’t assume that you know what is going on for that person, unless you have heard them describe things in their own words. Ask them. Keep asking them. Things change over time and so it is essential to not assume that what was said yesterday is true of today.
People self harm for a variety of reasons and this might be different from one incident to another, and from one time to another, so give people an opportunity to describe this to you.
2. Listen
‘The thing that has helped more than anything is being listened to – where people really are interested in what I have got to say’.
Listening to people is a very important skill. People repeatedly describe it as one of the most crucial things that is helpful for them and their recovery.
Listening means that we give that person the chance to describe their difficulties and get to know them. It can help them to understand what is happening to them, and how they feel, and it can help them to make different choices. It shows them that we care.
Talking to you might be the only opportunity someone has had to really be heard. This can play a pivotal role in them facing their problems. This puts you in a privileged position, so make the most of it. If the person struggling has chosen you as the person they feel safest to talk to, then there is no one else better positioned to listen than you.
3. Don’t Over React or Take Control
‘If I am feeling like self harming, I already feel out of control. If I talk to someone, and then they start telling me what to do, or making decisions for me, it frightens me even more and the urge to self harm gets worse – not better’.
It’s common for people that self harm, to describe feeling out of control. Self harm is often one of the only things that people can do to control how they are feeling, so it’s important that we remember this when talking to people about self harm.
There may be times where somebody needs urgent medical attention, or is at risk of suicide. But this will not be true for all people who self harm, so it’s important not to assume this. Talk to the person, ask them about this, and make carefully thought-through decisions, rather than an impulsive reaction. Sometimes making decisions to keep someone safe from harm is unavoidable, but it’s important to remember how frightening this might feel to a person who may already feel out of control.
4. Don’t Judge Me
Opening up about self harm is very difficult. So if someone is met with judgement or hostility when they gather the courage to talk about self harm, this can be really damaging. Rather than judgement, people need your understanding and compassion if they are going to try and change their lives.
Some common judgments about self harm include people looking for attention, being weak, or because they want to. None of these are true; people self harm because they are trying to manage their feelings and experiences.
‘I don’t self harm so that people know, or see what I am going through; I self harm so that they don’t. I self harm to manage my feelings on my own. I self harm so that no one else has to hear me talk about my day and how bad I am feeling… so to be called an attention seeker hurts, and makes me even more determined not to let anybody in’.
5. See Me
The way that a person copes, is just one aspect of them. Try to see past the self harm, to the person beyond this.
One way to do this, is if you want to find out how a person is doing, ask them questions about how they’re feeling, instead of just questions about whether they have or haven’t self harmed. If we only ask questions about self harm, it reinforces to that person that their distress only matters if they have self harmed. By asking them how they’re feeling, it shows them that you care regardless of whether they have or haven’t harmed themselves.
‘When people found out I self harmed, that is all everyone ever asked me about. That’s all I was to them, the girl that self harmed. They stopped asking me how I was feeling, and started asking me things like had I self harmed this week? I felt like it didn’t matter if I felt bad, it only mattered if I had felt bad enough to hurt myself’.
6. See My Potential
Sometimes when people are self harming, it can be hard to see a way forward for them. It can be hard to know what to do or say to help. But the single most important thing you can offer someone, is hope.
People can lose themselves to self harm, and can feel exceptionally lost. This can result in them feeling hopeless. As someone who is supporting them, it is important that you don’t feel lost too. And if you do start to feel lost, to reach out for help for yourself too, to rebuild your resilience.
Also, remember that a person is so much more than their problems. It can become easy to focus upon the problems that someone is facing, but remember to talk about the other aspects of a person’s life. Their interests, passions, hopes, opinions, hobbies. Giving people an opportunity to talk about these parts of themselves, also allows them to be known as a three-dimensional individual, and not just a set of problems or difficulties.
7. Notice
‘Keep an eye on someone’s mood; if they seem to be down or struggling notice and don’t be afraid to talk to them about it’.
‘I often find it hard to tell someone how I am feeling, but if they notice, and they ask… I am more likely to tell them and talk about it’.
When people are struggling with self harm, they can feel completely alone and isolated. Having someone notice that this is happening, and offering them the opportunity to talk, could be really helpful.
You often hear people saying ‘it’s okay to reach out for help’. But actually, it’s very difficult to reach out for help. The way we can truly show someone that we are a safe person to talk to about mental health and self harm, is to shift the responsibility away from the individual. Having someone reach into our world because they’ve noticed you are suffering, rather than having to be the person to reach out for help all the time, can be a lifeline. Don’t be afraid to talk about self harm and suicide – you won’t make it happen by talking about it – but you might just relieve a lot of suffering if you do.
8. Don’t Label Me
‘If I self harm, I am not a self harmer – I am still a person. If I use drugs I am not an addict, I am still a person. Try to avoid labelling me, I am me, I have other things that I do, and think, and like. I am not just the way that I cope’.
It is really important to look beyond labels. Seeing someone as a ‘self harmer’ communicates to that person that their self harm is not just a coping strategy they are using, it is their identity. This can feel very stigmatising and judgemental to the person struggling. Instead of using labelling language, use phrases like ‘someone who is self harming’.
9. Be Kind
The most important thing for people to start overcoming their difficulties with self harm, is for them to receive compassion, kindness, and understanding.
Self harm is usually a very private act, and often ends up isolating people further because of feelings of shame about their difficulties, and anticipating rejection or judgement from the people around them.
The most effective way we can help somebody who self harms, is the very validating offer of compassion. You may not always say the right thing, but if you say it with kindness and honesty, this is better than saying nothing at all. Compassion can save lives; it’s not to be downplayed or overlooked.
‘When I self harm I feel lost and totally alone… it’s not just the qualified professionals offering me their interventions that have helped, it is the times when they have taken time out to let me know that I matter, or when they have offered me a cup of tea. Those times have helped me to feel that life was worth living, and I was worth bothering with. You can say the wrong thing, in the right way, and if you say it with care and kindness, it will change someone’s life’.
10. Be Patient
Often, when people self harm, they may be frightened to talk about their problems, trust people or let anyone help, for fear of judgement or rejection. They may also fear that you might try and make them stop self harming.
Often, overcoming self harm is a slow process. You may not see much change in a way a person is coping, and at times, you may see things get worse.
This doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong. When people start to face their problems and open up about their feelings, this can feel overwhelming, and it’s understandable for them to turn to self harm as the coping mechanism that they have developed. It’s important that you don’t over-react about this, and that you give things time to settle.
Professionals shouldn’t measure how effective the work that they’re doing is by whether a person is still self harming or not, so let this encourage you that there is more to someone’s healing than stopping self harming. By resolving the drivers to distress, and enabling someone to feel more resilient in the face of their difficulties, the need to self harm will naturally decrease.
‘When I started to open up about the self harm, I started to think about it more, and do it more. It scared me. I thought I was losing control’.
My life before seemed hopeless. I was self harming and frequently suicidal. Harmless is special because I’ve had counselling and therapy in the past and I’ve never felt so listened to. I don’t know where I’d be without Harmless
You can make a referral into the service click here
Alternatively, please get in touch using the details below.
Email: info@harmless.org.uk
Tel: 0115 880 0280
